


Will you take me as I am?

by hallwayperson



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Episode: s04e10 Paper Hearts, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 20:40:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11298441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hallwayperson/pseuds/hallwayperson
Summary: Angst. Written as an extended/alternative ending for Paper Hearts, which is one of my favorite episodes.





	Will you take me as I am?

**Author's Note:**

> Angst. Written as an extended/alternative ending for Paper Hearts, which is one of my favorite episodes.

As Scully dragged her feet along the darkly lit hallway to Mulder’s office, she couldn’t help but fear what she’d find at the end of it. At the end of the day, all everyone really had was hope and that seemed gone for all eternity - at least for them. Twisted thoughts troubled her mind as she knocked on the door to Mulder’s office, an office that almost felt like home to her, but somehow she felt like an intruder today. She had always admired Mulder for his ability to stay hopeful while continuing his search for Samantha. She had never considered leaving him to his own devices, but she had felt her fair share of hopelessness. More often than not, she had wished for the ability to leave. She had cursed everything there had been to curse, and there was a lot, but in the end she knew she had to stay. For him but also for her own sake, to be able to live with herself. She could go on because of him, because of what he meant to her. She’d seen him time and time again go on, defeat after defeat. The least she could do was to be there by his side, which still wasn’t something she considered a burden – not even after what they’d been through. In fact, it was because of what they’d been through that she wanted to stay. No one would ever quite understand her as he did, nor would someone ever understand him as she did. 

But today was different. It felt different weighing down on her – on them. They hadn’t solved the case, Samantha was still gone, and they had one fabric heart left, which meant a family was still without answers – just like Mulder. With this in mind, she gathered the courage to knock on his door.

Apprehensively, she opened the door as Mulder yelled “come in.” His eyes looked glassy and red from crying, clear signs that defeat had clawed its nails into him, holding him hostage. She wanted to take the pain away, to tell him that everything would be alright again sooner or later, but tainted memories about Melissa polluted her mind and she felt paralyzed. She went back to cursing everything she could possibly think of as if it would magically help her figure out what to do. Anger came crashing over her like stormy waves on a winter day. She briefly damned Mulder for shooting the man who might have had the answers he had devoted his whole life to search for. She then recognized there was no point in doing that as he probably already blamed himself more than anyone else ever could, which made her hate herself for even thinking such a thing. 

She blamed him, Roche, for withholding the answers. Answers Mulder didn’t even get a chance to decide whether he believed or not. The answers were gone and his hope too, it seemed like. She was at a loss for words, for hope, and for herself. As familiar as grief had become in the years they had worked together, this was unfamiliar territory. She knew what it felt like to lose a sister, but she never had to lose her over and over again. She had never caught tiny glimpses of Melissa only to watch her crumble in her hands right in front of her. She knew there was nothing to say, nothing to do, nothing to make the pain bearable for him. She could only see it through, be there with him, and hold him. She could do that. She would do that. She had never regretted stepping into his office that early morning that now seemed a lifetime ago. She still had no regrets.

But she wanted to give up. The only thing that kept her going was this man sitting right in front of her, dark, wet eyes looking up at her like a silent scream. 

 _Take me, take me, take me_ , was all she heard.

His eyes filled with tears when she caught his gaze, which made him close his eyes angrily as hot tears dropped heavily on the manila folders on the table. She stood in front of him as she reached out her hand to meet his. He just sat in his chair, breathing heavily with his eyes closed. All she could do was to stand there in front of him and watch him come undone. He held her hand with both his hands and brought it to his chin that was still wet from tears. Not letting go of him, she walked around the desk to join him on his side and he let go of her hand briefly to hug her tightly around her waist, grabbing handfuls of her clothes while crying into her hip. She let him as she tenderly ran her fingers through his hair to calm him down.

“I don’t know how to go on, Scully,” he said when he’d calmed down enough to talk.

“Don’t think about that tonight, Mulder. Try not to think,” she whispered, knowing perfectly well it would be the same as telling him not to ever worry.

“I’m so alone, Scully…,” he said breathlessly, his arms still around her, clutching what fabric he could.

“I’m here, Mulder. I’m here,” she breathed. And she meant it. She had no desire to leave him. Wanting to leave had never been about getting away from him as much as it had been getting away from it all; the darkness that kept growing and growing until it was like an extra creature living among them. Mulder looked up with a desperate look on his face until their eyes locked. “I’m here,” she said again. “I’m here.”

“I don’t want to be alone tonight,” he croaked, still looking at her.

“You don’t have to be,” she assured him as she smiled delicately. “Come on, I’ll drive you home,” she continued and kissed him tenderly on his forehead, which made him reach out for her face to hold it between his hands. She breathed in with her eyes closed when she felt his lips hard on hers. He tasted of salt but it didn’t matter. She let him kiss her until she couldn’t hold back any longer, letting herself kiss him fully. As she kneeled to be in the same height as him, he hugged her, still clutching her clothes while running his fingers frantically down her back until both of them suddenly ended up on the floor. He broke off their kiss to breathe and look at her, removing a few strands of hair from her cheekbone. “Scully, I love you,” he panted.

“Mulder…” she said, unable to finish a sentence.

“I do,” he said persistently, a solemn tear falling from his eye and down on her cheek.

“Let’s go home,” she replied, as she removed what was left of the tear from his face.

Somehow, they both got up and out to Scully’s car. Her head was spinning, which made her afraid of driving them to Mulder’s place. All she could think about was what she wished she’d said.

_I love you too._

She should have said it but she had been paralyzed. How she hoped the moment wasn’t lost forever, that he hadn’t just blurted it out in a moment of despair, that he’d meant it. And it was true, she did love him. Ultimately, that was why she’d stayed with him through everything. No matter how different they were, how many fights they had, and how much the work had become all-encompassing, she loved him. In spite of all that, she truly loved him. His perseverance and stubbornness, among other things, was what she had been drawn to all this time, and what kept her going when she thought she had no fight left in her.

Scully got into the car after closing Mulder’s door. She knew she would stay with him all night. Sometimes they had worked on such horrible cases that they ended up either at his place or hers talking all night to forget what they had just been through. This was one of those nights, except that it was worse and he’d kissed her. She had even kissed him.

After a short, silent drive to his place, she unlocked his front door with her spare key and led Mulder to his couch. He was tired. They both were. The kind of tired where they couldn’t even gather the energy to sleep. And she knew that tonight wasn’t meant for sleeping. She remembered being afraid when Melissa had died – not afraid of sleeping but the time before sleeping. Afraid of seeing her face, afraid of it disappearing.

“Thank you for taking me home, Scully. I…,” he said meekly from the couch.

“Don’t worry about it, Mulder,” she said reassuringly.

She made it a point to say it with such affection that he might get that she did in fact love him too.  She sat down next to him on the couch and he rested his head on her shoulder. She pushed him softly forward so that his head rested on her thighs. They sat like that for a while as she ran her fingers through his hair. She could feel the tiredness weighing down on her but she stayed awake for Mulder, and because she herself had felt that same hopelessness that Mulder felt. She was feeling it now. Mulder talked about Samantha, about that time he helped her learn to tie her shoes. And then he talked about Oregon, which made them both laugh. How far they had come. At some point Scully stopped talking and running her fingers through Mulder’s hair. She was sleeping.

Mulder got up and when he tried to pick her up to carry her to his bed she stirred a bit.

“Don’t wake up, Scully,” he whispered.

“What are you doing?” she said half asleep. Mulder held her in his arms and she could feel his warmth through his shirt.

“I’m taking you to bed, Scully. You’re tired and you need to sleep. I’ll take the couch.”

“Don’t,” Scully said. She wanted to lie next to him. To keep feeling his warmth, to make him feel safe. She would try.  

“Lie down next to me,” she said. Mulder laid her down on his side of the bed and walked to the other side. He sat down while taking his pants off as Scully lay on her back already asleep. Mulder turned around and looked at her, concentrating on her breathing, her chest rising and falling steadily. He finally laid down next to her, which she sensed and moved closer to share the blanket she had warmed up. Drunk on sleep Scully placed her hands on Mulder’s chest and in return he hugged her closer with his right arm. He made a little sound that woke her up.

“This isn’t working, isn’t it?” Mulder said.

“No,” Scully said and smiled to him before turning her back on him so that he could spoon her. “This is better,” she said.

“Scully?”

“Mulder?”

“I love you.”

“Mulder, go to sleep.”

Mulder smiled and hugged her closer to him. He kissed her softly on her cheek before resting his head next to hers, weightlessness overpowering them both. They were tired now, able to sleep, safe and warm. She could smell his hair that was lightly scented of the shampoo brand he’d used as long as she’d known him. She breathed in, and when she thought he was sleeping, she whispered something.

“I love you too, Mulder.”


End file.
